I’m a big ol gushy believer in signs. God/The Universe/High Power/Source what ever you believe in always has a greater plan that is so much bigger than ours. And its always better if we just trust and surrender to it. Surrendering though is HARD. I’m not very good at it.
I recently listen to a Podcast (they are my new thing) on Oprah Super Soul Conversations by Larry Dossey (author of The Power of Prayer: Connecting with the Wisdom of the Universe) where they discussed the power of prayer. I’ve been praying my entire life. I was raised praying. We pray often at home, but after listening to this podcast I started to change the way I prayed. Never for an outcome but always for the best possible outcome. If this isn’t me totally surrendering to a higher power I’m not sure what is. If you know anything about me you know this is HUGE for me. I love to control outcomes. Control – yes. Surrender – sure I’ll try it for a minute…okay….um, nope thanks! I’ll go back to trying to control everything. For years this has been my system.
No wonder I’ve sat in the same spot for so long.
See I’m good at surrendering when I’m super down and out and low. My surrender cycle goes a lot like this…
- Me: “God, what do you want me to do? What is my purpose? How can I do this??”
- God: “Hey there, why don’t you try and just surrender and let me handle this?”
- Me: “Okay, thats a great idea! I surrender.”
- (One week later) Me: “Okay your taking too long, I’m just gonna try something different.”
The Taj Mahal took 20 years to build. The Sistine Chapel was built in four years. The empire state building took one year and 45 days to build.
None of these magnificent buildings and creations were built in a day. Why would I think that my glorious self would take a day. Although I’m sure the big guy upstairs is capable of it. I’m also certain he wants us to learn a spiritual lesson in all the things that come our way.
I won’t go into a lot of detail about my life on what actually happened, but I will confirm that over the last three months I’ve had to do some really hard surrendering. Professionally some of the hardest to date. And personally some pretty bruised egos, with lots of surrendering and even more sticking to my true self. I’ve realized a lot of things about myself. About others around me. I realize the pedestal I put things and other people on in my life on. This never ends well for anything or anyone.
After a bad day, home alone a couple weeks ago I sat on my couch and cried. No one was home. I felt a lot of things. Mostly I just felt super confused. I read all the personal development books. I implement most of the things they teach, and yet still here I was crying alone on my couch. I literally begged for God to give me a sign, show me something. Anything, just grab me and shake me. I was desperate for some ray of light to come from the heavens to give me all the answers.
I prayed the new prayer I had learned,
“Lord I pray for the best possible outcome.”
I prayed for nothing else. Not one single thing else.
Each day I like to pull affirmation cards. For me they are fun and in a way they always speak to me. these were the cards I pulled that day. Surrender and Resilience with a little side of grace.
When the chitter chatter was going around, I did my best to keep quiet and put my pretty little blinders on. I started focusing on JOY and what makes me happy. I started plugging back in to this amazing blog that brings me so much release and happiness, but I had put on the back burner (for multiple reasons I’ll get in too – keep reading this gets good!). I started to feel a fire in me again. I started enjoying the writing and creating process and even more so it started coming so crazy natural and easy. Ideas falling into my lap so fast that I was able to schedule posts through the rest of the summer.
Still a little part of me held on to this other thing. It wasn’t my dream or my purpose I knew that, but I also knew I had worked really hard to achieve it and had placed this idea on my mind that something needed to actually come from it. Like something tangible instead of just actually enjoying the entire experience. Maybe thats a messed up ideal that I create in my own mind or maybe some other people are struggling with the same thing. We do something hard, or time consuming and we expect to get something in return.
I held on for another week until another blow came. This one landed me crying and disappointed in the floor of my cousins closet till midnight and I realized it truly was time to fully surrender. FULLY LET IT GO.
“God, I pray for the best possible outcome.” Nothing else.
I chugged through the days. Finding little signs and bits of hope, as I like to call them. Words of wisdom from people that mean a lot to me. I found my mind opening up to some really amazing creative aspects that I had forgotten bring me joy because I’d been so focused on other things. Windows started opening up. Then doors. Then if felt like a big gate.
Seven months ago this very computer I’m writing on right now died. I was devastated. I felt like I kinda lost my mojo. I stared working from an iPad and keyboard and it just wasn’t the same. I was able to get out a couple inspirational pieces but my vision was always behind the screen of a laptop. I know it sounds stupid, and very Carrie Bradshaw, but typing away and hearing the click clack of my laptop always made my heart do a little pitter patter. Made me feel legit. Professional and the iPad though it did me good when I needed it and had nothing, just didn’t provide the feeling that sitting at a cute little coffee shop with my laptop did.
A couple weeks ago, my wonderful and amazingly talented friend Megan agreed to take some pictures for my blog for me. I grab the old broken lap top that broke in October 2018. The one that Apple told me would never work again (it was dead) and decided it would be a good prop if we needed it. Several days later Jay found it sitting in the front room and asked if he could play on it, I agreed. The kids became obsessed with the laptop. I explained over and over it did not work. They persisted and I agreed if they could get it to work they could have it. I never expected it to even do anything. What do you know, they found the charger and it just turned on good as new.
A laptop once pronounced dead by the super smart people at Apple, decided to randomly find a way to power up on a Saturday night in May only minutes before bedtime.
Not sure I’ve every pushed my kids away so fast and ran to that little silver device that has held all my thoughts for the last 8 years. Yes I took my promise back that they could keep it. Its mine, hands off.
Was it a sign? I don’t know. It conveniently turned off the week after I started yoga teacher training (in October) and then conveniently turned back on when I genuinely feel like I had fully surrendered to an outcome.
When my creativity for the last seven months was lacking and my attention was else where, the screen stayed black. During those seven months I needed that mental and spiritual transformation. I needed to be Selfish in ways I never had been. I needed to go through and fully own and feel what actual mom guilt felt like. Missing things my kids did, not able to always be there for all the games because I had made a big (and expensive commitment to something else – hmmm kinda like a job?- I see you working moms).
Slowly though after the last couple months, I started feeling a shift. A negative exchange of energy that just kept popping up in the back of my thoughts. But very slowly I started finding creative juices starting to flow again. It felt good and natural. I remember waking up one night in the middle of the night (4:22am to be exact!) and finding myself opening up my blog to write a subject line, a couple notes in the body section and saving it as a draft. Then it started happening more and more until I looked and I had 59 drafted blog post – all relevant. You guys I used to struggle with just getting one out! Hence why this has (until NOW) always been and inconsistent space for me.
The idea of flow over the last three weeks has been so huge for me I really just felt this huge nudge from the big guy upstairs to share this.
He sees you.
He knows what you want.
But he also knows whats best for you.
Its time sweet mommas to surrender all to a higher power. This is not easy. I know! Trust me! I currently work with TWO different coaches (one life and one business) both have known me for years and would say that this is something I have always struggled with. But I’m learning and I’m always a work in progress.
The Selfish Mom Project started with vigor and excitement. But I knew I still needed a lot a spiritual and emotional growth. Most importantly I needed some people that got me and were my friends on a completely different level. I needed these last seven months to really grow in these other areas. And I did! I truly did and I’m so proud of myself (and my family and friends that stood by me). I also understand that the outcome of the entire process was truly what I needed and that was to SURRENDER. Did it suck? Yeah totally. Did I enjoy any of it? NOPE. But I’m not sure thats the point.
In the past I totally would have obsessed over this entire situation. And yeah there were total points of weakness (through the surrender) where I did take a step back and obsess about it. But then just like that with a constant daily prayer of, “God I pray for the best outcome for this situation.” I just stopped caring, even when others did.
Its been a long road but I feel like all of this has lead me (finally) to my next step in life. To go FULL TIME into blogging/writing and The Selfish Mom Project. To go full time into my passion, the thing that fuels me and has fueled me for a while. The thing that I can honestly say has been my goal since I got this computer eight years ago and started putting emotions to the keyboard.
My writing, this blog, The Selfish Mom Project and all the moms out there who need this.
As I enter the final stages of trademarking the Selfish Mom Project name I find it all too exciting (maybe a coincidence) that this is where I am at. Back at glorious stage one but this time with a different feeling or word backing it up. This time I feel resilience. A word many of us moms use at bed times whether talking about our kids or ourselves lol. We often put the word resilence as a word that we will get to in the future. But it needs to be addressed now.
Resilience and Surrender.
Through those two words I was able to determine that right now it was time to go back to work full time. This time for the first time in a long time my purpose was to focus solely on this right here: The Selfish Mom Project.
The Selfish Mom Project is my full time job.
How I’m going to make that happen I’m not totally all sure. I have some amazing things going on and happening, and I’m choosing to surrender to the process and be resilient in my journey. Keep pushing forward, failing forward, and surrendering daily. Its all so exciting…Big things so check out that little side bar over there and subscribe!
To never give up. To know and understand that I have a worth. God sees my (and yours) worth even when others don’t. Even when I don’t. When others don’t it hurts, it hurts bad, BUT how much does it matter? Its doesn’t because they don’t define you, YOU and your ability to surrender is what matters. YOU MATTER SO MUCH!
So join me as I make this wonderful space my full time job, my income, the work thats going to put food on the table and memories in our pockets. Come to this space as a women supporting other women. Always know that I come to this space that’s first objective is to help other moms (globally) understand their worth and the importance of being a bit selfish.
Even when the road seems a bit bumpy, long and tough. I got you girl. I love you, and I SEE your worth. Be resilient and surrender to the journey.